Lead by example

I overheard one of the girls in my trapeze class excitingly talking about getting her pole in the mail. Okay, I honestly immediately thought “stripper pole” but then reasoned down that she must be talking about a new shower curtain pole or drapery pole. Nope, right the first time. She later mentioned she now has six poles in her studio. I couldn’t resist asking “why do you have six stripper poles” (as if one wasn’t enough)? Turns out she teaches pole dancing lessons. She gushed that it is so much fun and offered to give me some free lessons since some of her classes are not full. I figured why not.

So now I pole dance. Mention this on a first date and it has a 100% rate of return for a second date offer. It is actually A LOT harder than it looks. Well granted I don’t look sexy at all, I am more like the gangly teenager making grimacing faces and grunting. Also to further kill the mental image, the girls in the class don’t wear stripper clothes; we are all in gym shorts and baggy t-shirts. I’ve learned about a dozen spins and can now climb up the pole. Actually, I can “sit” on the pole which is like squeezing the pole between your thighs and holding yourself up there without hands. It is equivalent to giving your inner thighs an Indian burn and then bitch slapping them. I have mad bruises down there so thankfully none of my dates have progressed more than the kiss goodnight.

Our instructor arranged for a field trip to…what else…a strip joint. Yeah, best teacher EVER! A group of about 15 girls headed down to ‘Pole Kats’ on Chicago’s south side. The bouncer knew our instructor because she evidently frequents there and has taught half the girls there how to pole dance. Coincidently it was their 4-year anniversary celebration that night. The night would be filled with prize giveaways, the best dancers, and even porn star appearances. Game on!

I couldn’t believe this place. It had four poles showcased on the floor, two of which were over 20’ tall and situated on the main stage. Our gaggle of girls was seated at a few tables off to the side of the main stage. Dancers kept frequenting our tables to either say hello to our instructor (their former instructor) or to offer up their lap dancing services. I would reply “I am here on a field trip…I came to watch” all eager like. The dancers did not disappoint. They would do a trick and our instructor would point out what it was. Yeah it was the most NC-17-rated lesson ever, but I did feel proud knowing that I have learned the same move in class.

The dancers were amazing! They really did put only the best of the best on the stage for the anniversary party. Our instructor even said the dancing was way better than normal. Girls would climb the whole 20’ plus pole, grab on to the roof joists, and start swinging from the rafters. One girl climbed the pole upside down which is super hard (and even our instructor was all, “damn, that is ridiculous, she is awesome strong”). One girl laid her body out horizontally (superman style) while another stood atop her and danced while they slid down the entire length of the pole.

Not only were the dancers amazing on the pole, they had the most ridiculous bodies. Every shape and size you could imagine was represented from the super tall thin model to the size 16 plus curvy girl with size F boobies. They didn’t have any cellulite (even the big girls) and all looked and moved super sexy. Impressive! The place even had a MIDGET! Yeah, a perfectly proportioned 4 foot tall midget stripper. I say proportioned because she looked like a miniaturized person and not one of those dwarfs with the big head and torso with stubby arms.

Around midnight the porn stars were brought up on the main stage. These girls must have starred in some cheap Motel 6 porno because they were not attractive at all. Their bodies had no curves and better resembled 12 year old girls. They yelled out “who wants some porn” while waving around a bunch of DVD’s. Surprisingly, the crowd of men around the stage was quiet. I guess they were distracted watching the naked girls with hot bodies spin around the pole. The porn stars decided to divert the attention back to them by stripping off their clothes and making out with each other. I wish I could say it was hot, but I felt like a pedophile looking at those middle school bodies.

Best field trip EVER…eat your heart out Natural History Museum!